It has something to do with confidence; and more to do with my lack of it.
Pretty much everything in my life boils down to me not having much, if any, confidence.
I think I’ve finally worked out the reason I’m not writing so much and it’s due to the fact I don’t want to find out that I’m rubbish at it. Whilst not writing, I can entertain this idea that I’m actually a pretty good writer and I can keep my aspirations of one day becoming a published author alive. However, if I was to sit down and try and write something I might find out I’m terrible. Then my aspirations and dreams will die.
It’s the same in a lot of areas I imagine. I think part of me is much happier being content with ‘average’ and taking no risks, in case I never hit ‘Great’ and I always hit ‘Terrible’.
I think it’s also why I seek a lot of approval from people. I like to know that I’m doing right and doing good. I like people to actually look at stuff I’ve done and say “Yeh that’s alright” before I continue. I’m the same at work.
I kind of wish I could forget it all and I could just have that confidence that others have. Willing to just flaunt it all and not give a damn. Willing to accept rejection as a hurdle and carry on past it rather then just giving up.