This is the blog I’ve been wanting to write since I started blogging again, and it’s only today I feel I can give it the full attention it deserves.
Over the past 2 years or so I’ve gone through certain changes, certain acts of self discovery and I’ve spent a good while being miserable, more so in the past 6months – a year. I decided pretty early on that life, in my opinion at least, had no meaning so we might as well enjoy it and help others to enjoy it too. However I’d recently lost sight on the latter half of my philosophy. For about a year I became overly concerned with the notion that “Life was meaningless” and that in 100 years everything I’ve done, or will do, will not matter to anyone else, so why should it matter to me now? It was one of the biggest ruts I’ve ever found myself in; I was in almost constant apathy. Often I would get home from work and just lock myself in my room and watch TV for hours on end, sleep, and wake up doomed to repeat the cycle again. I became angry at the world and people around me for not being the way I wanted it to be. I felt selfish and selfcentered for feeling this way, when I had nothing to feel down about. I had a family, I had friends, I had a job. Why should I be so miserable? Why should I feel so apathetic? I found the paradox even more annoying, if life was meaningless, why couldn’t I just cheer up and enjoy it? Why did I have to feel so down?
These questions floated around my head most nights, some of which were worse than others. Some days, weeks, months, I’d lock myself away but this didn’t mean to say I had no happy memories, no nights I loved that were filled with laughs. Just that there was always this underlying feeling of apathy that everything always returned to. However, during this period of time there were also several contradictory moments. I would have a period of happiness, and of motivation, where I was going to change. Moments where my focus’ realigned after everything got to much; where I’d snap and think “Right, lets live this life!”. Each time they’d fall away and I’d go back into my rut but each time they did I was always left with a new insight to myself and my own being. While I may not have tangible example of what each moment helped me learn, I just know they were all instrumental to the process I’ve hopefully now started. A quest to be happier; to tweak myself.
As Tolstoy said:
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
It dawned on me that perhaps it wasn’t the world around me that needed to change and adapt, it was in fact myself and my own perspective on things. I realised I’d lost sight of my previous definition of life, that I wasn’t just enjoying the time I had here. While I still uphold the belief that life is meaningless and that, in the grand scheme of things, nothing matters, I figure since we’re here, and we have these emotions, lets embrace and enjoy them.
During the past few years the positive moments I’d had, and even some of the depressing ones, lead to moments of self discovery; where I’d come to terms with being me and what made me tick. It’s still very much an ongoing process and, I would argue, most people don’t actually ever truly find themselves. It’s constant growth, but that’s also what keeps it interesting. With self discovery comes self confidence, I’ve started to be more proud of my views, be more proud of myself; less sheltered and insecure. Of course, I still struggle with my confidence, something I actually doubt I’ll ever get over, but the pride I now take in being myself means I’m just that little bit less likely to shy away from situations.
It’s this belief in myself that has made me very much aware of how I behave and how I think. I’ve always been fairly self-critical, though I doubt I’ve ever done it constructively. I was aware that I was overly emotional, that I took things to heart, that I was shy around new people, that I didn’t try new foods, that I often stayed in, and that I put off doing absolutely anything that required effort. But rather than just making these criticisms, I’d never actively changed them, or tried to change them, or even just tweaked them a little.
Now I’m embracing little changes and bigger ones. I’m setting myself mental targets on who I want to be. It’s another paradox, but its a far more compelling one, I want to accept myself for who I am, but at the same time tweak myself to be a better me. Again it’s down to growth and happiness. I’m on a quest for a happiness now, and a better outlook on life. I’ve made the first few steps in the past few weeks or so, I’ve kept targets and been better organised. I’m sincerely hoping it lasts, but I’m the only one who can make it last and make it stick. I’m determined to make a positive change. How? Well, if you stay tuned you’ll find out!