I came here expecting a blank slate to write on; somewhere I could consolidate my thoughts and set myself a mission statement for moving forward. What I found instead were my old posts with messages still relevant to me today. Like a time capsule, or a message from a past me, saying “You fell this far once before, you can succeed yourself yet again”
You see, 2013 was an amazing year for me, especially in terms of self revelation. 2014 I started sinking again, and 2015 was my worst yet… Or was it? One of my favourite articles is this one: here. It talks about how negativity limits our views, puts our blinkers on, and from there all we can see is that negativity. If I look back over 2014 and 2015, I see a lot of positive things that I was simply blind to. I also see a lot of negative things which were, at the end of the day, all my own doing.
My negativity has crept up on me in a way that I didn’t even see. It’s blinded me without realising it. It’s made me take things for granted that instead I should have cherished. Worse still, it’s made me self destruct. It’s taken something major to shake me awake to this, something I am absolutely, utterly ashamed of. Something I can’t for the life of me ever repeat again.
Whilst in this negative state, a state that’s been brewing inside me unaware for just under 2 years, I’ve been living a life of deceit and distrust. My lack of confidence in myself meant I turned to less than proper ways to feel good about myself, rather than seeking solace in my loved ones; my friends, my family, my girlfriend.
I used to pride myself on being “Mr Positive”, but I have been ignoring my own advice for all this time. Never once have I actually stopped and considered whether I was being the best me I could be. Not truly. I’ve had moments during the past few years, times when I was going to change everything for the better, or started yet another Happiness Project. But all these times failed, and they failed for the same reason; I never addressed the real issue, I never addressed myself.
So where does this leave me? It means I’m about to change. It means I need to make alterations in my life to press forward, to readjust to being a better person and a force of positivity in this world. I was blinded to the person I’ve become the past few years, and I don’t even know who he is or was. He’s certainly not the me I’m going to be moving forward.