In Need of Air

So tonight’s a strange one. I’d been planning a blog post about what a good and productive week I’d just had… But turns out I needed to blog a big more urgently… And about something else.

I really just need to blog to get some air.  I’m not sure I even really want to rant about anything in particular; I’d find it hard to vocalise my thoughts and feelings right now. Maybe I’ll try…

Tonight goes to show that something can set you off and if you don’t catch it then it snowballs out of control. At midnight I was ready for bed, 5 minutes from sleep. Now I’m sat here wide awake, wound up and ready to snap.

I started getting myself wound up over the thoughts of someone I love being treated badly by people they loved. Whether through their ignorance or self absorption, it didn’t matter, it still had a vastly negative effect on someone I loved. If this was happening to me, I’d try to swat the thoughts away, I’d try not to let something bother me and face things with all the positivity I could muster… But this was someone I cared about. I started to get hot, angry, and could feel the adrenaline surging. I should have stopped it right there and then, took a break, but, since it was a rage formed in virtual protection of someone else, I let it carry on. I thought it was fine, that it was just passion and love, but really it was a lot more negative than either of those.

Getting angry and annoyed didn’t help the person I loved, it didn’t help ease their issues and it made them scared to open up to me… Even saying they’d stop telling me these things through fear it’d get me so wound. It’s upsetting because I used to be someone everyone would share their problems with, I used to be someone who could present a calm and listening ear, not someone who had rage bubbling up… Even if it was in defence of someone he loved.

Then, to make matters worse, when I stopped to contemplate that rage and the effect it had just had I was left dwelling on one cruel and torturous thought. I’ve been no better than those who mad me so angry… I myself should cause such passion and rage in me. I’ve been hurting someone I love for far too long. I’ve spent all this time annoyed at someone else for doing things no worse than what I’ve done, less so in fact.

So now I sit and dwell. My heads tangled with complex emotions. Anger (at others and myself) , upset, guilt, plain old confusion. I’m not sure which way my mind is being pulled, which emotions are most prominent, which thought path is most logical.

But then… I’ve turned here. I’ve turned to this blog. And that I believe is the most logical thing I could do. Despite thinking I wouldn’t be able to voice my issues, I have done. My thoughts are clearer after typing them out here. From lying here and writing my thought processes down, I started to understand how negative they were… And how easily I could look at this all in a different light. I am going to be a more positive person; that’s what this change has been about. It was always going to be hard, I was always going to have bad times, but they’re how we learn. I’m going to have setbacks; days where I’m down, negative, just not feeling myself. Tonight is, or was, definitely one of them, but through processing my thoughts like I have done I feel better and more at ease… Perhaps ready to sleep and face tomorrow?

This post may not make sense to anyone, but it’s helped me make sense of myself.

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