Reflecting and Changing

For the past few months I’ve felt like everything was on hold. For those of you not in the know, my work offered all it’s employees a fantastic opportunity; voluntary redundancy with one years pay. You can read more about it in my post, , but, long story short, it was my dream opportunity, which would allow me to do countless things I want to do, so I put my name down for it.

Since submitting my application I’ve felt my life draw to a halt. I’ve been waiting for the response, counting down the days until I find out. This, in turn, has stopped me from actually progressing with anything. Each blog has hard to write, my camera has felt heavier to hold; my creativity is drying up and my motivation reaching an all time low. All because I was waiting for this answer; this salvation.

I didn’t get it.

I had the news last week that the redundancy would only be given to 55% of people and I happened to be in the 45%. All the plans I had were suddenly dashed, the time I was going to have to concentrate on writing, photography, on my own business, on taking extra classes, of anything. All of it was dashed in an instant. Really, it was my own fault for fantasising, but by the time it was revealed it wasn’t a sure thing, I was too far gone and I’d daydreamed about the idea too long.

I’m left, therefore, in the same rut I was in before and I’ve wallowed in it now for some time, even before the offer of the redundancy. It’s been a strain and a burden. What should be some of the happiest months of my life, where I’m at my most secure, my most comfortable, and I have the most going for me…. Yet, I waste it by wallowing. This isn’t me though; at least, it’s not the me I want to be. It’s painful to accept that sometimes I do sway this way, and sometimes I linger here longer than is healthy. It’s a mindset that I want to break though, and I know that’s up for me to do myself.

The opportunity that was presented within the redundancy, sadly didn’t work out, but it isn’t the end of all opportunities. It would certainly have been a great spring board into something new, but do you know what I’ve been writing about in January? Small Steps. Even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming, I want out of feeling this way.

So, what’s the plan?

Today, when I write this, is the first day of February. When this goes live on the Clouds, it’ll be the first Monday of February. I don’t believe in signs, I believe in pure coincidence, however as far as they go this is a fairly good one. Any day in any month may be fairly arbitrary, but at least it’s easy to track and monitor. I’m going to take my own advice and take Small Steps, every day. I’m going to take my own advice and utilise the time I have available. I’m going to take my own advice, and realise what my dream of that redundancy actually meant when boiled down. I’m going to take my own advice, and not let the fear get in the way.

I’m making commitments to you, to my loved ones, but mostly to myself.

Thank you for reading.

4 thoughts on “Reflecting and Changing

  1. So sorry to hear that the voluntary redundancy didn’t work out, Shaun. It sounds hard to have your plans dashed like that. You say that it was your fault for dreaming so much about it, but it sounds a bit bait-and-switch-ish to me to announce way later that only 55% of applicants would be accepted. 😦 Nevertheless, it sounds like you’ve got a good plan to move forward. You’ve got this! 🙂

    Like

  2. “What I try to do is write. I may write for two weeks ‘the cat sat on the mat, that is that, not a rat,’…. And it might be just the most boring and awful stuff. But I try. When I’m writing, I write. And then it’s as if the muse is convinced that I’m serious and says, ‘Okay. Okay. I’ll come.”~ Maya Angelou
    This has given me some great comfort over the few last months. Write four words: “Once upon a time–“. Take one photograph, even if it’s of your foot or your dog or the interesting stain on your ceiling. Step outside and take a slow walk to the front of your yard and back and breath deeply. You got this!! One small step will turn into many small steps and then turn into the joy of running again.

    Like

  3. Keep on grinding, you’ll get through it. And take it from me, taking off from work to write and do stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Though having a year’s pay to cover you’re butt wouldn’t make it the total loss that my time off was. Just gotta keep on truckin! 😀

    Like

  4. I read a wonderful article in this month’s Psychologies magazine about being happy in your work. Several creatives were interviewed about working in ‘mundane’ jobs so they could explore their hobby (writing, surfing, gardening, art) in their own time. In contrast, it was interesting to see how those people who were ‘living the dream’ had lost the passion they once felt for their creative side. I especially loved this quote “Almost any job is more fulfilling if it’s done with care. There can be something meditative about the most routine and ‘boring’ jobs.” It certainly resonated with me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s