For the past few months I’ve felt like everything was on hold. For those of you not in the know, my work offered all it’s employees a fantastic opportunity; voluntary redundancy with one years pay. You can read more about it in my post, , but, long story short, it was my dream opportunity, which would allow me to do countless things I want to do, so I put my name down for it.
Since submitting my application I’ve felt my life draw to a halt. I’ve been waiting for the response, counting down the days until I find out. This, in turn, has stopped me from actually progressing with anything. Each blog has hard to write, my camera has felt heavier to hold; my creativity is drying up and my motivation reaching an all time low. All because I was waiting for this answer; this salvation.
I didn’t get it.
I had the news last week that the redundancy would only be given to 55% of people and I happened to be in the 45%. All the plans I had were suddenly dashed, the time I was going to have to concentrate on writing, photography, on my own business, on taking extra classes, of anything. All of it was dashed in an instant. Really, it was my own fault for fantasising, but by the time it was revealed it wasn’t a sure thing, I was too far gone and I’d daydreamed about the idea too long.
I’m left, therefore, in the same rut I was in before and I’ve wallowed in it now for some time, even before the offer of the redundancy. It’s been a strain and a burden. What should be some of the happiest months of my life, where I’m at my most secure, my most comfortable, and I have the most going for me…. Yet, I waste it by wallowing. This isn’t me though; at least, it’s not the me I want to be. It’s painful to accept that sometimes I do sway this way, and sometimes I linger here longer than is healthy. It’s a mindset that I want to break though, and I know that’s up for me to do myself.
The opportunity that was presented within the redundancy, sadly didn’t work out, but it isn’t the end of all opportunities. It would certainly have been a great spring board into something new, but do you know what I’ve been writing about in January? Small Steps. Even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming, I want out of feeling this way.
So, what’s the plan?
Today, when I write this, is the first day of February. When this goes live on the Clouds, it’ll be the first Monday of February. I don’t believe in signs, I believe in pure coincidence, however as far as they go this is a fairly good one. Any day in any month may be fairly arbitrary, but at least it’s easy to track and monitor. I’m going to take my own advice and take Small Steps, every day. I’m going to take my own advice and utilise the time I have available. I’m going to take my own advice, and realise what my dream of that redundancy actually meant when boiled down. I’m going to take my own advice, and not let the fear get in the way.
I’m making commitments to you, to my loved ones, but mostly to myself.